And I Prayed

I know I wrote a book on monastic contemplation, based on my own practice.

 

But my partner, my love, my anam cara, died. And that changed my entire world. I went from the duad, the two who are one, the one who is two, to something else entirely. I’m still not sure what. Especially for my peers – I am a 31 year old gay trans man – I exist in an in-between space, not single but not with a partner. I am between.

 

And I reached back out to Manannán Mac Lir, the One who called me to my life and to my work. I picked up my prayer beads, the ones I strung of pearl and amber and moonstone, and I prayed the same prayer going to work that I have prayed for so long. And I cried. I did cry. Because He is there and this is going to be hard work.

 

Morning and evening prayer are hard in a different way. We always prayed them together. We developed those prayers, those rituals together and we each had our separate roles we always played. It aches me to play his role. It emphasizes this gaping hole in my life where he stands, where his spirit is, though his body is no longer.

 

But I still pray.